|
Can Your Relationship Be Saved?
An ASSESSMENT Inventory ...
To Evaluate your MARRIAGE OR LOVE RELATIONSHIP
By Michael S. Broder, Ph. D.
If your relationship
were a fire, is it still burning strongly? Flickering?
Smoldering? Does it need kindling? A log? Or has the last spark
of it burned out to the point where it’s even too late for more
oxygen? (After all, your relationship at one time had to be on
fire in order for it to burn out.) Relationships that are
characterized mainly (or solely) by passion are often “too hot,
not to cool down,” as Cole Porter put it.
If it is more accurate to describe your
relationship as one that is (or was) grounded in comfort,
perhaps a better metaphor than fire is that of a business. And
if so, do you need downsizing? Refinancing? New management? Or
are you ready for bankruptcy court?
For over twenty years I have searched for a
foolproof "litmus test" that could save people from the pain of
fruitlessly trying to revive a relationship that has virtually
no chance for success (as well as from abandoning troubled
relationships that could be turned around if only the partners
could see that proverbial forest through the trees).
Let me first give you the bad news. Whenever I
though I had it nailed down, a glaring exception to the rule
would surface. Some of the worst relationships I have ever seen;
have survived, improved and even flourished! Then some of those
that seemed positively salvageable and loaded with potential
have folded. And although there are good reasons for all of
these exceptions, we only find them out post hoc (or after the
fact) — similar to the way a Wall Street session is reported on
at the end of the day once the numbers are in. (Wouldn't it be
great for our portfolios if that same degree of “wisdom” were
available a few hours earlier?)
Now here is the
good news. The inventory that you are about to take in this
chapter comes about as close to the standard of a litmus test
that I (or the many colleagues of mine who have used it) have
found. I first put together the inventory I call “Can Your
Relationship Be Saved?” for my book, The Art of Staying
Together. This self-assessment has also been used by scores of
mental health professionals with their clients/patients — with
good results. Over the years I have received tons of feedback,
which I have taken into account to both revise and expand this
inventory. So think of it as a self-assessment which can not
only provide you with some additional insights to make you aware
of some of the warning signs that exist, but it is also designed
to help you both see and make the choices that could lead either
to the healing (and even deepening) of your relationship, or the
straightforward decision to end it.
In chapter 1,
I asked you a lot of “essay” questions for you to reflect upon;
in this chapter, they are “True/ False.” I suggest (as I did in
Chapter 1) that you take this self-assessment by yourself. If it
is appropriate, have your partner take it as well--- but
separately. If both of you take it, I urge you to wait until
each of you is completely finished before you compare your
answers or discuss any of the implications.
Please take a piece of paper and number it from one to fifty.
Then simply put a check mark next to the number of each “True”
statement that describes your relationship.
Can Your Relationship Be Saved?
Self-Assessment Inventory
1. My partner and I no longer feel like friends.
___ True
___ False
2. My partner
and I have developed a very strong wall that separates us.
___ True
___ False
3. I am
constantly thinking about how nice it would be to have an
affair.
___ True
___ False
4. When my
partner and I fight, it gets nasty and I am left with feelings
of wanting to get out.
___ True
___ False
5. My partner
has told me at a time other than when we were in the middle of a
fight that he or she would be happier if we split up.
___ True
___ False
6. I am
unwilling to accept my partner as he/she is. If this
relationship is to continue, he/she will have to make some very
major changes that he/she is unwilling to make.
___ True
___ False
7. My partner
and I have little in common anymore.
___ True
___ False
8. I would
leave this relationship in a heartbeat if I felt confident that
I could make it on my own or if I knew I could get through the
painful transition of a breakup.
___ True
___ False
9. Although I
no longer love my partner, I feel responsible for him/her. I
think the only thing that is really keeping me here is guilt.
___ True
___ False
10. My partner
and I fight a lot and I fear that underneath the fighting there
is not much left.
___ True
___ False
11. When I am
about to be around my partner and I think of having to spend
time with him/her, I get an empty feeling.
___ True
___ False
12. My partner
and I are just no longer playing for the same team.
___ True
___ False
13. The more
time goes by; the more I begin to dislike my partner.
___ True
___ False
14. My respect
for my partner is practically or totally gone.
___ True
___ False
15. There is
very little trust left in our relationship.
___ True
___ False
16. I
constantly fear my partner's abusive behavior. If it happens
again, I am leaving.
___ True
___ False
17. My partner
abuses alcohol and/or drugs. It is even more intolerable to me
that he/she denies that the usage is a problem.
___ True
___ False
18. I can only
tolerate my partner if one of us is high on alcohol or drugs.
___ True
___ False
19. If I could
afford it financially I would leave.
___ True
___ False
20. My partner
has an emotional hold on me. I would love to leave but feel too
hooked and addicted to the relationship.
___ True
___ False
21. My partner
has children whom I am expected to relate to. The relationship
would be fine if they were not there, but they are here to stay
and it is creating a very unhappy situation for me.
___ True
___ False
22. I should
want my relationship to continue, or I want to want my
relationship to continue, but I cannot say that I do want it to
continue.
___ True
___ False
23. We are
unable to resolve our differences together, but my partner
refuses to enter counseling or therapy.
___ True
___ False
24. My partner
has told me that he/she does not love me anymore.
___ True
___ False
25. My partner
has done something for which I cannot forgive him/her. This was
the straw that broke the camel's back.
___ True
___ False
26. We just
have so many differences that it is unrealistic to think we can
even begin to address them.
___ True
___ False
27. I am so
overwhelmed by my partner's constant demands for love and
approval, perfectionism, and/or rigid rules of how the
relationship should be and how each of us should behave within
it, that sometimes I just want to give up.
___ True
___ False
28. I am
almost certain my partner is having an affair and if this is
true I will not tolerate it.
___ True
___ False
29. I feel
closer to my partner when we are not together.
___ True
___ False
30. There is
definitely more pain than joy or pleasure associated with my
partner and our relationship.
___ True
___ False
31. This
relationship has become a constant burden.
___ True
___ False
32. If I knew
I could find another mate, I would leave immediately.
___ True
___ False
33. I am
having an affair with someone I value much more than my partner,
and I am unwilling to give this other person up under any
circumstances.
___ True
___ False
34. I feel
very indifferent toward my partner and have little motivation to
try and work things out.
___ True
___ False
35. My most
stress-free moments are when my partner and I are not together.
___ True
___ False
36. My partner
and I are totally inflexible with each other.
___ True
___ False
37. I don't
even have a desire to tell my partner how I feel anymore —
positive or negative.
___ True
___ False
38. Our
relationship has peaked and could never again be as good as it
once was.
___ True
___ False
39. When I
think of us growing old together, life seems not worth living.
___ True
___ False
40. At this
point, there is just too much water under the bridge.
___ True
___ False
41. When I
think of leaving my partner I feel relieved.
___ True
___ False
42. I have
wanted to leave for a long time, but my partner has said he/she
will commit suicide if I do.
___ True
___ False
43. I
constantly have to choose between my partner and my family (of
origin).
___ True
___ False
44. My partner
is abusive to the children — a situation I am powerless to stop
as long as they are all in the same environment.
___ True
___ False
45. This
relationship does not allow me to grow.
___ True
___ False
46. My partner
does not fit into my future plans.
___ True
___ False
47. I want to
leave but, I cannot see myself pulling it off — I am stuck.
___ True
___ False
48. I need my
partner much more than I love him/her.
___ True
___ False
49. I love my
partner but am not in love with him/her.
___ True
___ False
50. We have
tried everything and nothing seems to help.
___ True
___ False
Evaluation of Inventory
The evaluation of this self-assessment is done a bit differently
from what you may have expected. If you thought that I was going
to ask you to count the number of statements that were “true”
(or “false”); and then based on that, I would give you range of
where you are safe to stay together, where your relationship is
potentially in trouble, or where it is doomed, don’t be
disappointed. It’s not at all that simple! Any one of the items
in this inventory to which you answered “true” could mean that
your relationship is already in serious trouble to some degree
or heading there. In fact, this could be the only fifty‑item
test you will ever take where you could "flunk" on one item out
of fifty!
What really needs to be looked at is
the reason(s) you answered, “true” to any item where true
applies — especially to those items that consistently
characterize your relationship or which evoke negative emotions
for you and/or your partner. Also, you may notice that some item
or items apply to your relationship, but only to a mild degree
(on a scale from “0” to “10”, say a “1”, “2” or “3”). In this
case, it may be accurate to consider the item in question to be
a warning sign or signal that a serious problem could be
developing; but you may have caught it in time.
What follows is another visit to each item in our Can Your
Relationship Be Saved? Inventory. Only this time I have
included the degree of risk an answer of "true" usually
represents, some perspective on the item, and in many cases a
reference to the chapter(s) of this book that contains
strategies to explore that issue. Each chapter in Parts II and
III are designed to be similar in nature to “seminars” in their
various topics, with many possible approaches to each issue
covered, and strategies for solutions. (Note: You will notice
that I don’t point you to specific techniques or strategies
elsewhere in the book for each item in the inventory. This is
because I want you to try them all. That is the only way you
will quickly and precisely discover what works best for you in
your own unique situation. Additionally, it’s important to honor
the complexity of your relationship by acknowledging that no one
approach fits all. That’s why this book contains so many
strategies to choose from. However you may find it helpful to
consult the table of contents beginning on page 2 for more help
in locating a part of the book that most speaks to your
individual items.)
1. My partner and I no
longer feel like friends.
Moderate risk:
Explore how this has changed over time, along with the following
questions: Can you pinpoint the issue or issues that may be
responsible? Do you want to be friends? What are you willing to
do to turn this situation around? What could your partner do?
2. My partner and I have developed a very strong wall that
separates us.
Moderate to High-risk:
What function is this wall serving? Would you really feel better
off without it, or does the purpose it serves make you vested in
keeping that wall standing? How troubling is your wall? Do you
and your partner agree that it is a problem that deserves
attention and a commitment to work through? If so, Chapters 5
and 6 will be helpful.
3. I am constantly thinking about how nice it would be to have
an affair.
Moderate risk: As long as
it is kept on a fantasy level (unless your relationship is not a
monogamous one). Is there someone in particular? Is your fantasy
saying that your sex life is unfulfilling? Chapters 5 and 6 will
contain some perspectives for addressing this issue.
4. When my partner and I fight, it gets nasty and I am often
left with feelings of wanting to get out.
Moderate risk: This may indicate that the two of you need to
learn to stay on the issue you are arguing about without
allowing each disagreement to get global or too personal. That
will enable you to fight more fairly. To address a climate
characterized by anger, look at the demands and unrealistic
expectations that either or both of you may be putting on your
relationship or each other. These demands are the backbone of
that painful emotion of anger and the frustration that underlies
it. The emotion of anger itself can take on a life of its own,
and overwhelm--- or become bigger than the issue or problem you
are arguing about. Often when this happens and no relief is in
sight, “getting out” can feel like the only doable option In
Chapters 5 and 6, I offer some strategies for handling anger.
5. My partner has told me at a time other than when we were
in the middle of a fight that he or she would be happier if we
split up.
Moderate to High risk: When
statements such as that are made in the heat of an argument, the
problem is often one with anger itself. But when said at a
relatively calm time, that could indicate a rather serious
high-risk problem(s) that need to be addressed. On the other
hand, sometimes statements like that are the turning point where
a couple that has been avoiding dealing with any unpleasantness
finally starts talking about what may be an accumulation of a
lot of small issues that could be resolved one-by-one in order
to clear the air (and then learn never to fall into that trap
again). In that case, consider this a more moderate-risk item.
6. I am unwilling to accept my partner as he/she is. If this
relationship is to continue, she/he will have to make some very
major changes that he/she is unwilling to make.
High risk: The key word here
is "unwilling." You are unwilling to accept your partner; your
partner is unwilling to change. Something has to give — either
your level of acceptance, your partner's attitude about
changing, or your expectation of having a fulfilling
relationship. In Chapter 3, I will discuss the matter of
breaking impasses.
7. My
partner and I have little in common anymore.
Moderate risk: The most successful relationships are
those that have commonality. But even the best couples do grow
apart in certain aspects of their lives. So a discussion of what
may be missing needs to occur. Then common interests, friends,
or whatever it was you used to enjoy or share together needs to
be revived in a way that makes sense given where you now are in
your lives as a couple and in your individual growth processes.
Chapter 6 will contain some strategies for developing more
commonality together.
8.
I would leave this relationship in a heartbeat if I felt
confident that I could make it on my own or if I knew I could
get through the painful transition of a breakup.
High risk: The culprit here
could be your own self-esteem, and ability to see yourself as
someone who can make it without a relationship, so that you are
not wasting your life by staying together only out of fear and
excessive dependency. Some strategies for arriving at this can
be found in Chapters 4 and 7.
9. Although I no longer love my partner, I feel responsible
for him/her. I think the only thing that is really keeping me
here is guilt.
High
risk: Guilt can be a nasty set of “golden handcuffs,”
if that is truly all that’s keeping you there. However, some
people tell themselves this merely as a way of denying their own
dependency. Chapters 4 and 7 contain some strategies for helping
you to visualize a life outside of your relationship. See if
this visualization makes a difference. Chapter 3 looks at the
role of guilt in keeping relationships together.
10. My partner and I fight a lot, and I fear that underneath
the fighting there is not much left.
Moderate to high risk: Anger often masks a lot of positive
feelings that could be lying just beneath the surface. But to
get to the good stuff, that anger has got to be resolved first.
To the extent that the issues triggering your anger cannot be
resolved (or you confirm that underneath the is not much left),
this can become a high-risk item. Take some time when you are
not feeling angry to identify and attempt to work as a team to
resolve at least some of those anger-provoking issues you can
both agree are there. Chapter5 and 6 will give you some
strategies to help you do this.
11. When I am about to be around my partner and I think of
having to spend time with him/her, I get an empty feeling.
High risk: Often feelings of
emptiness that are triggered in this manner indicate a longing
for something that may not be able to be enjoyed while you
remain in this relationship. Chapter 4 will help you look at
this.
12. My partner and
I are just no longer playing for the same team.
Moderate risk: Is this a mutual thing or just your
feeling? Check this out. To the extent that it is a mutual
thing, you can work together to resolve it. If your partner
shares this concern, you may want to explore some of the
strategies in Chapters 5 and 6. If it is not mutual, explore
what needs to happen for you in order to get back on board.
13. The more time goes by; the more I begin to dislike my
partner.
High risk:
This can result from the reality that you are not growing
together, or that a resentment or disrespect that is festering.
The more this trend continues (without identifying and resolving
the underlying issues), the more painful your life will become
until the only option left is to separate.
14. My respect for my partner is practically or totally gone.
High risk: Restoring respect
once it is gone is somewhere between extremely difficult and
impossible. The only exception to the rule is if you can
pinpoint a specific issue(s) that caused this trend to begin,
and then work it through. Chapters 3,5 and 6 contain strategies
that are well worth your effort to explore if you are to save
your relationship.
15.
There is very little trust left in our relationship.
High risk: This is quite
similar to item 14 in that lost trust that cannot be tied to a
specific resolvable issue is usually irreversible. (An exception
may be where the lack of trust is a personality staple that
extends to many other aspects of life such as in the case of
people who characteristically tend to evaluate others in a
paranoid manner.)
16. I
constantly fear my partner's abusive behavior. If it happens
again, I am leaving.
High risk: No one should ever have to tolerate
abuse! “Waiting” for it to happen again is not an acceptable
strategy either unless some concrete steps have been taken to
change this pattern. What is it that allows you subject yourself
to this? Do you think this type of behavior can ever be
justified? Are you afraid of the repercussions of leaving? The
practical issues such as money, the children, housing or further
retribution? Or do you truly believe that something definitive
can change? Just remember that experience has shown that abuse
does not usually extinguish itself. Chapter 3 will help you to
evaluate this while Chapters 4 and 7 will afford you a look at
what life for you could be if you choose to leave.
17. My partner abuses alcohol and/or drugs. It is even more
intolerable to me that he/she denies that the usage is a
problem.
High risk:
Those who abuse alcohol or drugs or, better put, abuse
themselves with alcohol or drugs can make any relationship
unworkable. Until the problem is acknowledged, you need to
decide just how much of an issue this is for you and what your
bottom line is with respect to your tolerance of it within your
relationship.
18. I can
only tolerate my partner if one of us is high on alcohol or
drugs.
High risk:
Many of the same reasons apply here that apply to item 17. The
difference is that you need to be anesthetized in order to be
able to stand your partner. Why? Is this something that you are
unfairly laying on your partner? Or is the climate that
intolerable? If the latter is true, at a time when you are sober
look at every possible reason why this may be so. Strategies
contained in all of the remaining chapters of this book can
provide you help depending on what issues you identify as
needing to be resolved within yourself, with respect to your
partner, and between the two of you--- as a couple--- for this
to change. I realize that turning something like this around
could be a tall order. But if you can’t, the handwriting is on
the wall.
19. If I could
afford it financially I would leave.
Moderate risk: This is a very commonly heard mantra that
many who have a feeling of generalized unhappiness believe until
the opportunity to leave presents itself. Pretend for a minute
you have no choice but to leave; and you have to make financial
arrangements to do so. Chances are, if you had no choice you
could pull it off. Strategies in chapters 3, 4 and 7 can help
you with this vision. Remember the only commodity that you
cannot replace is time. And time spent in an unpeaceful, unhappy
situation that you tell yourself you cannot change is perhaps
the worst possible use of that irreplaceable time.
20. My partner has an emotional hold on me. I would love to
leave but feel too hooked and addicted to the relationship.
High risk: What you are
saying here is if you could become emotionally free, you would
leave. Chapters 3, 4 and 7 will provide strategies to get beyond
a situation such as this — or at the very least to see beyond it
in order to make a choice.
21. My partner has children whom I am expected to relate to.
The relationship would be fine if they were not there, but they
are here to stay and it is creating a very unhappy situation for
me.
Moderate to high risk: Chances are
the children are here to stay. But blending families and
step‑parenting is an extremely complicated issue. Pulling it off
requires maximum cooperation from both partners. You and your
partner need to take this quite seriously and realize that you
will probably not be together long, unless you can maneuver this
very difficult balancing act. On the other hand, if you are
unwilling to attempt this, it is probably just a matter of time,
thus you are at high risk.
22. I should want my relationship to continue, or I want to
want my relationship to continue, but I cannot say that I do
want it to continue.
High risk: Chapters 3, 4 and 5 have much to say
about this situation. Often that attitude occurs when passion
has drained out of the relationship, but it still feels
comfortable to stay. Experience shows that unless this is worked
through, what comfort exists will drain away over time and lead
to resentment.
23. We
are unable to resolve our differences together, but my partner
refuses to enter counseling or therapy.
Moderate risk: As widely accepted as counseling or therapy
is to some people, to others there is still a stigma to it with
lots of negative associations. I suggest that you find a
therapist who works with both individuals and couples, and then
initially attend yourself. If it is determined that couples
therapy is indicted, work with that therapist on some strategies
for bringing your partner in. Practically every therapist who
works with both individuals and couples faces this situation
routinely.
24. My
partner has told me that he/she does not love me anymore.
Moderate to high risk: It is important to look at the
context in which this statement was made. In the middle of an
argument it is less serious, but nonetheless something that
needs to be explored when the anger dies down. Without anger
attached to it, it is more likely to be high risk. Chapters 3
and 5 contain some strategies to check out just what this means,
as well as what the implications are.
25. My partner has done something for which I cannot forgive
him/her. This was the straw that broke the camel's back.
High risk: The metaphor of
the straw that breaks a camel's back indicates that there have
been numerous unresolved issues that taken by themselves may be
quite small, but when added up amount to something rather large.
Learning how to deal with these (instead of sweeping them under
the rug-- to use another metaphor) is probably your only
redeeming feature. No relationship will survive happily if you
can’t learn how to get past life's upsets. Chapter 6 explores
this in detail.
26. We
just have so many differences that it is unrealistic to think we
can even begin to address them.
Moderate
risk: The question here is do you want to address them? Is
this item true only when you are angry? Did these differences
always exist? Are you only becoming aware of them now? Are they
the flip side of some of the very reasons that you became
attracted to each other as discussed in Chapter 1? Chapters 3, 5
and 6 contain strategies that can be helpful for evaluating just
how much of a problem this may be.
27. I am so overwhelmed by my partner's constant demands for
love and approval, perfectionism, and/or rigid rules of how the
relationship should be and how each of us should behave within
it that sometimes I just want to give up.
Moderate risk: What needs to happen for this climate change?
Is this a constant thing or does it just come up only with
specific issues? What compromises need to be made? What
compromises can be made? Does your partner know how these things
affect you? And is his or her attitude one of concern or
indifference to your feelings. Numerous strategies throughout
the remainder of this book will address difference aspects of
this issue.
28. I am
almost certain my partner is having an affair and if this is
true I will not tolerate it.
Moderate to
high risk: Believe it or not, many relationships have become
stronger after either the acknowledgment of an affair or the
fear of it is brought out and dealt with. There is no easy
answer here, because you are dealing with trust — one of the
most important fabrics of the relationship itself. Chapter 3
contains ways to help you look at the issue of trust.
29. I feel closer to my partner when we are not together.
Moderate risk: This can just be a sign of burnout, which
in a relationship is an indicator that perhaps you need to take
some quality time for yourself. When you are ready to come back
after a timeout, the relationship often will be much stronger.
When I say, “time out” or "come back" I am not necessarily
referring to a physical separation. It ‘s possible that you need
to examine some of your own goals and lifestyle options,
including things that could or should be done apart from your
relationship. Strategies to help you evaluate this situation are
contained in Chapter 3, 4 and 5.
30. There is definitely more pain than joy or pleasure
associated with my partner and our relationship.
Moderate to high risk: If there is an identifiable issue
causing this particular feeling, then this is a moderate risk
item; and resolving that issue is your mission. This is often a
temporary situation that can be gotten through. It becomes a
high-risk item to the extent that there is no identifiable
issue; but instead you are describing a more general feeling. So
the first step here is certainly to identify what is making this
statement true. Chapters 3, 4 and 5 could be particularly
helpful to you.
31. This
relationship has become a constant burden.
High risk: If this is the
case, what is keeping you there? Even more importantly, can you
identify what could possibly make you see the relationship more
positively? Strategies in Chapter 3 may help you to shed some
light on this dilemma.
32. If I knew I could find another mate, I would leave
immediately.
High
risk: This all too common feeling is the one behind
most rebound relationships. It is grounded in the notion that
you cannot make it on your own. By discovering that you could go
it alone, you are in a much better position to make the choices
necessary here. Chapters 4 and 7 thoroughly address that.
33. I am having an affair with someone I value much more than
my partner; and I am unwilling to give this other person up
under any circumstances.
High risk: Based on nothing
else but that statement, it is probably inevitable that should
the person you are having an affair with become available as a
primary relationship, that is the direction you will go. If this
is not the case, then it’s important to thoroughly explore just
what it is that you are doing and why, so that at the very least
this doesn’t become a pattern you repeat in your next
relationship. Strategies in Chapter 4 will help you do that.
34. I feel very indifferent toward my partner; and have
little motivation to try and work things out.
High risk: You are already
out of the relationship emotionally. All that remains for you is
the status quo. Is this acceptable? Only you can answer that.
Chapters 3, 4 and 7 can be helpful to you here.
35. My most stress-free moments are when my partner and I are
not together.
Moderate risk: Unless it
goes beyond those specific issues that you recognize and are
dealing with, and then it becomes high risk. How did the climate
get to be this way? Does your partner also have this view of
your relationship? Have you shared this feeling with your
partner? Strategies for this item can be found in Chapter 3.
36. My partner and I are totally inflexible with each other.
Moderate risk: Chances are you have unconsciously
collaborated in your inflexibility. Again, does your partner
share this view? Are you willing to discuss it, work on it and
do whatever it takes to turn this pattern of inflexibility
around? If you both agree that this is an important thing to do,
you are most of the way there. Chapter 6 will give you helpful
strategies. If there cannot be a mutual agreement to work on
this, then nobody is winning. I would then direct you to Chapter
3.
37. I don't even have
a desire to tell my partner how I feel anymore — positive or
negative.
Moderate to high risk:
Depending on just what your hidden feelings are, this could be a
high-risk item. What has made the idea of sharing your feelings
so distasteful? Has your partner shown an unwillingness to hear
what you have to say? Do you fear consequences such as
rejection? It sounds as though your long-term happiness, both
individually and as a couple depends on taking the risk. Once
you are able to at least try to communicate, I think things will
become much clearer to you. However, if what you are saying is
that the relationship is so dead that it is not even worth the
effort, then you are in extremely high-risk territory. In this
case, you need to ask yourself why are you procrastinating with
what is probably the inevitable?
38. Our relationship has peaked and could never again be as
good as it once was.
Low risk: Many
couples believe that their relationship is on the way down when
that effortless initial passion begins to wear off. But the real
issue here is acknowledging together the desire for what you
had, and working as a team to recreate it. This is a normal
adjustment issue (not unlike having children or relocating) that
can feel far worse than it really is in terms of the stress it
might potentially put on to you as a couple. Your willingness to
see it for what it is and commit to getting past it together is
usually most of the battle. (However, a lack of that willingness
from either partner to do what it takes to get past your
adjustment issues together certainly has the potential to
upgrade them to moderate or even high risk!) This is the only
item in this inventory that is actually low risk because it is
something that virtually every couple experiences in one form or
another throughout the course of a long-term relationship. (In
fact, my definition of a long-term relationship is one that
survives the normal bumps in the road such as the decrease of
that initial passion.) Unfortunately, many couples put far more
weight on this feeling alone than it usually deserves!
39. When I think of us growing old together, life seems not
worth living.
High
risk: With this feeling, what could possibly be
keeping you there? Please explore this thoroughly with the
strategies in Chapter 3 and 4 and then 7.
40. At this point, there is just too much water under the
bridge.
Moderate to high risk: This
implies an accumulation of issues (often the small ones you have
hoped would go away by ignoring them) that have not been dealt
with as they have come up (similar to that “straw” that always
seems to break the camel's back). If you still harbor a desire
to keep the relationship together, start by looking at those
items under that bridge one‑by‑one until the answer becomes
clear. If there is no desire to do that, then upgrade this item
to high risk.
41. When I
think of leaving my partner I feel relieved.
High risk: It sounds as
though you are beginning to accept the inevitable. Chapter 7
will be helpful to you.
42. I have wanted to leave for a long time, but my partner has
said he/she will commit suicide if I do.
High risk: You need to weigh
the rest of your life against this threat. There are no easy
answers here. But as long as a threat of this type is the only
thing keeping you together, what hope is there for you to have
any fulfillment? Any threat of suicide must be taken seriously.
Thus, as a most important short-term issue, your partner and his
or her state of mind certainly need to be attended to. But your
long-term happiness does not deserve to be neglected or ignored
either. There are strategies for you in each remaining chapter
in the book.
43. I
constantly have to choose between my partner and my family (of
origin).
Moderate risk: Both your partner and your
family are realities that cannot be ignored. The first question
you might ask yourself is whether you are willing to do whatever
it takes to reconcile the differences and/or workout a peaceful
arrangement where you can all coexist. If not, then you know
that a difficult choice will inevitably need to be made.
44. My partner is abusive to the children — a situation I am
powerless to stop as long as they are all living in the same
environment.
High
risk: This is one situation where you have to look at
what your highest duty is. Legally, morally, ethically and with
respect to every other aspect of this situation (with the
possible exception of what hedonism might exist between the two
of you at times), a “true” for this item says that you need to
leave — if not for your own peace of mind, for the protection of
your children. This is one item where there is very little
flexibility or room for margin of error.
45. This relationship does not allow me to grow.
Moderate to high-risk: Couples in long-term relationships
— particularly those that began when the partners were young —
often find that they have slowly begun to walk on different
paths. When this happens-- if enough passion and comfort are
still present, and there are feelings and a desire on both of
your parts to stay together, you can work on changing the
climate so that your personal growth is possible. However, this
item will become high risk to the extent that either of you is
inflexible about making the kind of changes that will allow both
of you to grow as you need to.
46. My partner does not fit into my future plans.
High risk: This sounds like
a very unambiguous statement. Can you come to any basis for
keeping the relationship intact? If this cannot be converted to
a relationship issue where both of you are willing to make some
necessary and crucial changes, there is not much that can be
done.
47. I want to
leave, but I cannot see myself pulling it off — I am stuck.
High risk: Your desire to
leave is pretty straightforward. But what is the glue that still
keeps you there: The children? Change in social status?
Finances? Family rejection? Feelings of failure or inadequacy?
Fear of going it alone or not meeting someone else? Perhaps you
are someone who puts down divorced people, never expecting
yourself to be in that category. Do you fear your own future?
(These are just a few of the possible issues behind this.) It’s
important now for you to soul search and see exactly what is
behind the "I cannot" statement. That is the key. When
strategies to deal with each of them are explored, see if there
is still resistance. If so, then chances are you are not being
honest with yourself regarding your desires. Look for hidden
issues. Strategies in Chapter 3 should be helpful to you in this
regard.
48. I need my
partner much more than I love him/her.
Moderate risk: Many stay in relationships out of need. That
is a decision regarding values that only you can make. There are
ways to rekindle what sparks are left. (See Chapter 6 for
strategies.) But try this exercise: Make a list of what the
needs are that your relationship fulfills. For each need you
list, try to identify an alternative method of fulfilling it. Do
this in the privacy of your own mind. See if or how this changes
your perspective. Also, consult the strategies in Chapter 5.
49. I love my partner but am not in love with him/her.
Moderate risk: This is the passion versus comfort
dilemma. Truly loving a person is usually incentive to leave no
stone unturned in trying to arrive at a satisfactory degree of
fulfillment. You could be harboring some romanticized (as
opposed to romantic) notion that solid relationships don’t need
to be worked on. Most classical love stories are about
short-term relationships, where the book or movie ends before
the lovers’ initial passion does. Strategies in Chapters 5 and 6
for re-igniting passion, along with a frank and intimate
discussion about your feelings could make the huge difference
here that you are seeking.
50. We have tried everything and nothing seems to help.
Moderate risk: Hopefully in the remaining chapters of
this book you will find numerous strategies that you haven't
tried. If this item is still true by the time you complete this
book, take a good look at what is really keeping you together.
Your bond may be a lot stronger than you think.
How to Make the Most of this Inventory
Most of the moderate risk items refer to issues which can
actually be resolved — as difficult as they may be — provided,
of course, you and your partner are willing to work hard in the
direction of resolving them with the intention of staying
together. High risk items on the other hand are those most
correlated with relationships that cannot be saved unless a full
and mutual acknowledgment of these serious issues, along with
major and generally difficult changes by both of you, are made.
To summarize, for each item you answered "true": Can you
pinpoint the problem areas that brought you this far?
Theoretically, what would have to happen for your relationship
to get better, or the very least, to be working again? Are you
willing to make those necessary changes that are important if
your relationship is to stay intact? Is your partner willing? At
the very least are you willing to thoroughly discuss the items
for which you answered "true" and your feelings about them with
you partner? What are you willing to do to demonstrate that
flexibility? If changes by either of you are not on the horizon,
is it possible to learn to accept things the way they are?
If you knew that your relationship would never
get better, what would be your next step? What are the minimum
criteria for determining what “better “or “salvageable” is? What
are your partner's? Are you both willing to talk about this?
These are some of the important things for you now to explore.
The Chapters in parts II and III of Can Your Relationship Be
Saved? will help you to do that.
Click here
for more information about Can Your Relationship Be Saved?
or to order your copy. |
